To Play or Not to Play: Is Stigma Holding You Back from Using Sex Toys as a Penis Owner?

I recall my first trip to an adult toy store many years ago and feeling simultaneously overwhelmed and aroused. Now when I think back, I realize how much of my overwhelm was simply discomfort at being forced to look at objects for which I felt much negative self-judgment about, aka shame. Butt toys? Forget about it! Penetrate a human body part molded out of toxic plastic? Uh, no thanks! Rather than staying open to possible arousal and seeing where that took me, I would end up dismissing the objects as party novelties and, I mean, no one REALLY had sex with these things anyway, did they? Well, of course they did! Unfortunately the shame and judgment about sex and sex toys were deeply ingrained. I denied myself the chance to learn more about what turns me on, what sensations might feel even better than those of a hand, but most importantly, I deprived myself of the opportunity to overcome the psychological barriers I was putting up by judging these objects and those who engaged them as somehow different from me; i.e. sex crazed perverts!

It would be one thing if I genuinely was not interested in exploring penis toys, but I was. The conflict I felt was the result of my authentic self attempting to express a desire only to be pushed down by the learned belief that this desire was somehow bad, immoral, and deviant. As a result, I missed out…but not for long! Fortunately I was able to identify many of the underlying beliefs fueling my stigma and move past their suppressing influence. My hope with this article is to present some of the stigmas against using toys for penises so that you too, can begin to rethink your own beliefs and live a sexual life of authentic personal choices.

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Sex Toy Beliefs Quiz

If you’re wanting to get a better sense of how negative stigma might be playing a role in your current sexual beliefs, try taking the quiz below: read the statements below and make a mental note of all the points that your believe to be true.There are no right or wrong answers, we’re just trying to shine a light on areas that may be holding your sexuality back, or not!

1. Toys were primarily marketed for vaginas and vulvas so I wasn’t exposed to penis options. Or if I was exposed to penis toys, they were intended to be a joke or gag gift.
2. I guarded my masculinity even when others weren’t around. I didn’t play with sex toys just like I didn’t play with Barbies. 
3. My penis should be enough for a partner. I have my hand for solo play and my penis for partnered play.
4. Sexual needs should be met with a partner, not toys. Playing with toys makes me feel lonely or like a loser. If a potential partner found out, it would ruin my chances.
5. Sex toys for anal play aren’t for straight men and I’m straight, so, no thanks. 
6. Masturbation is private and personal; discussing or purchasing toys at a store sounds like too much for me. 
7. My religious or family upbringing made it clear that sex toys and masturbation were not necessary.
8. I believe that people would see my non partnered sexual interests as creepy or deviant, including sex toys.
9. At my age, it’s embarrassing to admit I have so little sexual experience.
10. I already feel like I masturbate too much so adding toys seems even worse.
11. I was taught that masturbation is wrong so the idea of using toys just makes me uncomfortable..
12. Continuing solo sex while in a relationship is either unnecessary, excessive, or perhaps a sign of addiction.
13. Toys are only meant to help with sexual disorders. My penis works fine without toys.
14. Sex toys are really for fetish use only and I’m not one of those kinds of people.
15. I grew up in a time or place that had a negative view of sex toys.

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Scoring

If you answered “True” to any of these, then there’s a chance you might be holding on to beliefs that run counter to discovering your authentic sexual interests. However, just because you don’t want to try something doesn’t mean that you’re actually missing out because of stigma. It just means that you may never know that you’re missing if you don’t try! So, ask yourself, do you always want to wonder, “what if” for the rest of your life?  Or, do you want to find out for yourself? Maybe you’re not convinced yet of the power of your negative beliefs. Are you motivated to reflect on your upbringing and learn more about your sexual beliefs and identity?  You’ve already taken a necessary step by opening yourself to read this article. Try working through some of the tasks below to dig further into any potential sexual shame.  

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Deepen Your Self-Awareness

• Read and learn more about the parts of your sex life that might be holding you back. Try reading or listening to a top book on the subject rather than just using the internet.
• Write and reflect on your sexual experiences, both solo and partnered. Are there areas of discomfort or avoidance? Force yourself to provide a good reason why. Preferably one that comes from within rather than from outside yourself. If you find yourself using the words, “I should…” or “I’m supposed to…” quite a bit, that can signal an area for further exploration
• You took a step by answering the quiz questions. Can you take it a step further and share your responses with a partner?
• If you don’t have a partner or aren’t ready to have those conversations, perhaps choose a past partner or close friend from whom you know accepts you without judgment
• Seek sex therapy if you’re really struggling with sexual shame. Sometimes we grow up in contexts that are so overwhelmingly sex negative that we need to go slow and carefully compare the life we were raised to believe in versus a life of moving towards our personal values.

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